Top 5 Lady Staches

I’ve come to the realization that we’re lacking something here at TGOB (besides good material) we’re lacking the female audience. Not too many women watch wrestling or partake in the great past time of video game shit talking. So today I’m gonna do one just for the ladies. Our last blog was about the facial art that is the mustache. So in keeping with the theme of body hair, today we’re gonna talk about the lady stache…between their legs. Women spend an infinite amount of time fixing their hair and putting on make up but what about the lady stache? Some girls don’t know what to do so they let it grow and grow till it resembles something that looks like a roast beef sandwich that fell on the floor in a Compton barber shop. But have no fear ladies we have the answers you’ve been looking for.

5. Bush, George W. The- Prior to the mid 80’s people were barbaric living in huts, hunter gatherer types, letting their pubes grow to extraordinary lengths. Today with the new technology of razors, nair, and wax a bush is just used for comedy (like our real president).

4. Bald Eagle- Not only is this the nations mascot but also that of the San Fernando Valley (Although to be fair it should be the bald beaver, at least in the Valley). While this may be the most hygienic of all the choices it’s not necessarily the best. However, if this is the route you prefer then I recommend getting professionally waxed. The Brazilian is a popular choice. And I heard the Vag-O’-Lantern is in season too. And even though they sell the “Do it yourself kits” it’s always having a professional do it. I mean that’s like using a Flowbe on your vagina. (Patent Pending)

3. The New Yorker/ Don Johnson Fade- This could quite possibly be one of the hardest looks to pull off. Too much stubble and it’ll be like smacking sancho in the face and junk with a wire brush (although if that’s your thing then that’s cool). But usually the rule of thumb is to have a little hair but not enough to feel like your legs the week(s) before, during, and right after your period.

2. Shapes/Initials- Nothing says I love you like a keg, a pack of smokes, and a hummer. But getting your sancho’s initials shaved into your lady stache is a close second. The heart shape or star is nice. And the arrow really helps out when you’ve had a lot to drink. But if you really wanna give him a gift, go with the keg. If you want him to brag about you to his hot friend you’ve been wanting to sleep with then get the initials.

1. The lady Hitler/Landing Strip/ Pffft- The easiest and most aerodynamic of the lady staches is the landing strip. It’s like the trail to glory. If you wanna add a little flair you can turn that strip into an arrow as seen in #2. Hopefully the arrow isn’t pointing to a 12 inch schlong and a huge set of balls.

Well ladies, decisions decisions. Whatever you decide feel free to email me the results. And remember when some dudes talking about being in the bush he’s not talking about Vietnam. Unless of course he’s 50 and missing a limb. In which case you might wanna listen to him and kick down a few bucks. When he’s talking about being in the bush he’s talking about the Lucian jungle between your legs. So please trim your beard and donate the hair to fashion designers. Kids in Russia are freezing. I don’t trim my glory so it looks like a bonsai for my benefit, or cause it’s cool (Seriously though it is pretty kick ass) I do it for you ladies so please show us dudes the same courtesy.

Top 5 Mustaches

Self expression comes in many forms, for most it could be an ironic tee shirt or maybe even a blog (Shittier than this one of course). But nothing says more about a man than his facial hair. Some dudes go with the full beard in hopes that it will make them look manlier. Their logic being; since I can grow hair on my face like those Mexican werewolf brothers, chicks will indeed dig me. But in reality unless you’re a lumberjack or just sporting a shadow your face looks, feels, and smells like a porn star from the 70’s vagina *Cough*…Eric…*Cough*. However one form of facial hair (considered by most as a fad) is the ultimate expression of your manliness. And what that might be you ask, why it’s the glorious mustache. And not just any old mustache but a mustache worth of James Heatfield, and Ron Burgandy. I now present the Top 5 Mustaches.

5. The Hitler.
World domination and racial purification are big goals for even the manliest of men, but Hitler, he seemed like the kinda kid that would rather play with an easy bake oven or bedazzle his army uniform, than play with G.I Joes. So it’s no surprise this sociopath narcissist grew what most women have on their vagina on his face. Yes Hitler grew a landing strip, or a soul patch on the wrong side of his lips. But I guess when world domination is your goal having a landing strip for penises on your lip is perfectly acceptable, at least that’s what Sadam said.

4. The French/ The Beatnik
Acclaimed film director John Waters is known for his offbeat teenage musicals, his counter culture commentary, and his stache. Sure the caterpillar above his lip looks like dirt but it also says “I’m smarter than you and as required by law I’m supposed to look like a douche.” His rivals for the French are none other than Freddy Mercury and Borat. Now although Mercury and Borat don’t have it as pencil thin, with a little general grooming they could be giving Waters a run for his money. And as we all know Mercury was the lead singer for Queen, and an actual queen himself, no pun intended. If the stache and leotard didn’t give it away, his perm did (which is only runner up to James Brown and Al Sharpton). And well Borat is just foreign. All we need is Rob Halford’s (Judas Priest) handlebar and maybe we could have ourselves a little party. And if Hitler were invited then maybe we could have avoided that whole WWII thing.

3. The Dick
The Beastie Boys represented law enforcement everywhere when they had Spike Jonez direct their video for sabotage. The Beasties sported toupees, clip on ties, Ray Bans, and the stache. In doing so they paid homage to the biggest group of mustache aficionados. Detectives and their staches go together like their coffee and doughnuts. So next time your dog runs away or someone steals your purse just call Ad-Rock, MCA, And Me Mike D.

2. The Mexican Matador
Vicente Fernandez’s mustache has made more drunken men cry and gotten more women (In black bras and white tank tops) naked, than any other in mustache history. This Mexican crooner holds it down. If you don’t believe me just ask my pal Morrissey.
Moz: Vicente Fernandez is awesome.
So get yourself a gold revolver and a gold belt buckle with some scorpions on it and start claiming the set.

1. The Burt.
Come on! It’s Burt Mother Fucking Reynolds! This guy has gotten so much pussy I’m surprised his dick hasn’t fallen off. The amount of action this dude gets based solely on his body hair gives Armenian guys everywhere (mostly in Glendale though) hope. Live the dream Burt…Live the Dream.

Those are the Top 5 staches. Once again some honorable mentions would have been the dude/chick from La Trigre, Genghis Kahn, and the cast of Tombstone. All of whom are bad ass in their own right (I seriously thought the chick from La Tigre was a dude, so that’s pretty sweet for a chick trying to be a dude?). Unfortunately though these dudes are known more for cutting a bloody path through Asia Minor and lines like “I’m your Huckleberry.” than their sweet staches. So if you have a manly stache send me a picture and I’ll put it up…and not just in Dominick’s bathroom this time (he has a thing about things looking at him while he shits).

Top 5 Hangover Remedies

Hangover remedies are like assholes, everyone’s got one. And while some are stretched and as useless as an appendix, others are fresh and worth giving a try. Recipes for hangovers usually involve Jager or Tequila, hot chicks, huge bar tabs, and puke on your shoes. If you want all the scientific bullshit about what causes hangovers and all the alleged science behind it just Wikipedia it. If you want the marching band in your head, and the alien in your stomach to go away then try these Top 5 Hangover Remedies.

5. Aspirins with whatever you were drinking the night before chaser.
Most people say that after a long night(s) of heavy drinking the only cure is having one more the next morning. Apparently they didn’t realize that after you stumbled into your place (if you were lucky enough to make it in) that you proceeded to throw up the contents of you body including vital organs for about an hour. In reality the last thing you want to taste is bacon cheddar potato wedges and tequila again. But hey if it works for John “Mother Fucking” Mclane then it’s worth giving a try.

4. Gatorade/Pedialyte
Experts, and by experts I mean alcoholics, say that in order to ease that queasy stomach of yours you need a little Gatorade or Pedialyte in you. Since both of these products contain electrolytes, they’ll hydrate you faster and get you on the fast track to shotguning High Life like a champ again.

3. Menudo
If you follow that trail of Bud Light cans long enough, it will eventually lead you to a Chevy and a hot pink house. Knock on the door and ask the guy inside what he does when he’s “Crudo” and he’ll give you a nice steaming bowl of the shit that’s left in the kitchen sink after your done washing dishes. These are the parts of the animal that they don’t even want. But menudo has cured more Corona hang overs than women who have claimed to have slept with Ricky Martin. So close your eyes, pinch your nose, eat up and before you know it you’ll be back to drinking those ever premium Bud Lights out the bed of you Chevy while spinnin that Chalino CD your compa gave you.

2. A Dooby Snack, J-Bird, Butter Rum…or whatever new slang kids use for weed
What do B Real and Willy Nelson have in common? WEED son! We all know weed cures every ailment known to man, even the meanest of hangovers. Score yourself a sack and some greasy food to soak up all that alcohol and you’re set. You’ll be watching Scooby do in your Rasta hat in no time. So for all of you who don’t already wake and bake this is even more proof that you should!

1. Bloody Mary
There are different versions of the Bloody Mary. You have your classic Vodka and V8 recipe and the bastard offshoot of a beer of choice (normally Bud or Corona) and V8. Both are said to settle your stomach and depending on the amount of sleep, and keep that buzz going. Then again Bloody Mary’s remind me of that old joke. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?... yeah I think you guys get the jest of it.

So next time your at the bar and people start doing body shots remember these full proof remedies. Let’s all raise our glasses and in the words of Homer Simpson “To alcohol the cause of, and solution to…all of life’s problems” Cheers.

Top 5 Shit Talking Video Games

Videogames, ahh….the great equalizer. Fat, skinny (Mostly fat pimply kids though…and Asian), old, young…video games will never judge you based on your appearance, rather they judge you on your hand eye coordination and your ability to shit talk. Yes since the dawn of video games people have shit talk their way to a higher state of self confidence. Cause as every gamer knows his opponent is a huge fag, who’s mom you fucked while his sister watched.
In the early days kids packed arcades and strived for that high score so under their initials they could spell out “ASS” or “BLWME” or some other cool insult that would rub it in every time some kid put his quarter in and never beat your score. In today’s day and age we have Xbox live and WOW, where we can constantly shit talk the looser who’s eating our shit and asking for more. Today we have the Top 5 Greatest shit talking video games of all time.

5. NBA Jam (TE)- Arcade, Sega, Super Nintendo
For those of you who had played this in the arcade or were fortunate enough to have it on sega, you remember the birth of the two on two basketball game. NBA Jam is the predecessor (and partly responsible for sports games in the arcade) to Blitz, and yes even the dreaded piece of shit that goes by the name of Virtual Tennis. NBA Jam was a great catalyst for shit talking. Not only did the announcer shout out sweet phrases like “OHH MY” and the lucrative “BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA” when you took it to the house and made them smell your junk, but you also go to shit talk your way to sweet victory. And although this may have cause your opponent to play dirty (the dreaded two hand push which knocked your pussy ass on the floor while the guy you were guarding got a Scott free pass or shot the J) you still talked shit. It’s the nature of the beast and anything that would knock Ewing or Morning off their game was good enough.

4. Rock Star Table Tennis- Xbox 360
Electronics, huge walls, cheep fast food, and cheaper toys the Chinese owned ping pong. Here in the states and in other parts of the world the game of ping pong was reserved for college students (beer-pong) and break rooms. But videogames, being the great equalizers they are gave everyone a chance to smack some balls, and once again make French dudes with head bands Smell Your Junk! (Although I think that’s what it already smells like where they’re from so it wouldn’t be anything new). Either way there is nothing more satisfying than swatting the shit out of a little white ball hitting it so hard it travels at light speed giving your opponent no chance to make a play, followed by, of course “Yak Juew La”…which is Eat Shit in Cantonese

3. Halo Franchise- Xbox, Xbox 360
Like all great first person shooters halo came with the option of online play via Xbox live. Games ranged from death match to capture the flag and so fourth. Kids played this game meticulously for hours on end memorizing all the maps so when a “Noob” like your dumb ass joins the game you have no chance. The worse part about it is being called a “Cock Shiner” by some 12 year old after he hits you, repeatedly, with the but of his gun, culminating in your death and his squeaky pre-pubescent voice laughing in your face. Yes this will haunt your dreams for a while and every time you look at that Xbox you’ll see the pocked face, braces wearing little prick who killed you 30 times in a 5 minute match.

2. The Street Fighter Franchise- Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo, Arcade, playstation(2)
The Street Fighter franchise has been around for quite a while. Capcom built an empire on the back of a Hadouken. Kids packed arcades and played Street Fighter four hours on end (cause like Highlander…there can only be one…champion? sorry that one kinda sucked). From the beginning of SF2( The Championship Edition) when the intro video shows two dudes brawling in the streets and one dude inevitably knocks out the other, you know the shit just got real. Due to the amazing arcade and consol popularity of SF you got games like Marvel Vs. Capcom which included popular marvel characters against the likes of Ryu and Ken. We also got a shitty movie staring your favorite, and my main man the muscles from Brussels himself Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Raul Julia.

1. Madden- Nintendo, Sega, Super Nintendo, Playstation (2, 3), Xbox (360), Wii
Nothing beats the great American past time of throwing the pig skin around. Madden has reached the pinnacle of its existence in the new platforms. Tournaments are held all over the world as kids with no real athletic capabilities battle it out on the virtual gridiron. Thus lays the four way intersection of popular video games, football, competition, and shit talking. Once again there is nothing worse then getting beaten by 30 points by your opponents B squad. When the other person is up by so many points that they decide they would rather use their alternates and run the ball consecutively getting the first down each fucking time, you have no other choice then to just hang your head in shame and talk as much shit as humanly possible, till they quit the game announcing you the victor.

Video games and shit talking go together like Sonny and Cher, Beer and Cigarettes, Oreos and Sunny D. Without one the other wouldn’t be as good. For the past 25 some odd years arcades have been filled with teens cursing like sailors and pumping quarters in 16 bit machines. They dominated and have been dominated. For every Mortal Kombat and Tekken Tag champion on the leader board there are five willing and waiting to take their places and leave the good ‘ol BLWME.

Top 5 Funeral Songs

A man’s legacy is remembered upon his death. When a real man dies (either by a sweet Fonzyesque motorcycle stunt, or while giving it to a hot stripper when suddenly you’re pace maker gives out) the songs played at his funeral will determine what kind of man he really was. So without further adu here are the TOP 5 songs I want playing at your funeral.

5. When The Music’s Over- The Doors
To quote the Native American prophet Jim Morrison, “When the music’s over turn out the lights.” The 30 some odd second organ solo accompanied by a fuzzed out guitar in the beginning of the song makes this an ideal song for a family in mourning. The only other organ based song that could ever suffice would be In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly. But then again your family just had to sit though your shitty funeral and there’s drinkin to be done, so keep it short and sweet.

4. The Notirious B.I.G.- Suicidal Thoughts
“When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell” When Big spits that first line after having to listen to Puffy commit some of the worse fucking voice acting known to man, it catches you off guard, and like a crash of lighting you realize…That’s one bad mother fucker! And for that alone Big makes the list.

3. You Can’t Always Get What You Want- The Rolling Stones
That line has never rang more true than the day you die. How many dudes would have loved to ATM some hot chick but didn’t have enough money? How many of you would have liked to nail twins…Cough….*Olsens*…Cough…Exactly. Life is full of disappointments. Case and point, look at Elvis. I’m sure the king never thought he’d die on the shitter, but then again I don’t think we ever though he’d live that long. Either way live it up like the king did and you just might find…you get what you need.

Runnin’ With The Devil- Van Halen
It seems to me so far that all the cool people are down with Satan. First you had Biggie and now you have Diamond Dave, come on! For all of you who have ever jumped on your couch and air shreaded to panama then told the world to smell your junk…then you’re runnin with the devil too! Count me in Diamond Dave, hopefully Satan has the power to get rid of those bitch tits you’ve developed and put some of that hair on your back, on your head.

1. Stairway To Heaven- Led Zeppelin
Ok so this one is typical and it’s pretty fucking cheesy, but its here for a reason. For all of you who have ever seen The Song Remains The Same you know two things. 1. Robert Plant should wear pants that don’t show his man camel toe for two fucking hours and 2. As soon as Jimmy Page pulls out the double necked Gibson that “Shit Just Got Real” (Thanks Martin). I don’t think anyone has ever know what the fuck this song is about but it’s Zep at their best, and it will surely bring the house down. It’s pretty much guaranteed someone is gonna get drunk and start shouting “Woo” while holding out a lighter right next to someone that’s crying.

Those my friends are the Top 5 songs that should be played at your funeral. Don’t get my wrong there are an assload of proper funeral songs. Some honorable mentions would have been the obvious Knockin On Heaven’s Door by the now batshit crazy Bob Dylan and of course Freebird by Lynard Skynard. For all of you metal fans Pantera’s Cemetery Gates (The live version) would have been pretty sweet, but alas we only have a Top 5 list.

Top 5 Action Duo's

The Genra of action movies is riddled with bad ass heroes, asshole villains and army’s of expendable henchmen. Though there are various action subgenra’s none is more lucrative than the Action Duo. Off the top of my head I can think of at least a dozen (i.e. “Bruce” Leroy Green and his break dancing out of harms way brother Richie Green, or hell even Nada and Frank) but this is only the Top 5. Let the ass kicking begin.

5. John McClane & Zeus Carver
McClane and Zeus were seemingly made for one another. McClane being a bad ass motherfucker who is perpetually hung over, gets mixed up with Zeus Carver a locksmith from Harlem. Together these two bad mother fuckers stop a foreign prick from stealing all our gold. Let the explosions, mother fuckers, racist jabs, and awesomeness ensue.
Zeus: Why do you keep calling me Jésus? Do I look Puerto Rican to you? John McClane: Guy back there called you Jésus. Zeus: He didn't say Jésus. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus. John McClane: Zeus? Zeus: Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo? Mt. Olympus? Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass? Zeus! You got a problem with that? John McClane: No, I don't have a problem with that.

4. Rocky Balboa & Apollo Creed
South Philly’s favorite son takes on the champ Apollo Creed. Sure Apollo dies and Rocky is reduced to the mental capabilities of a vegetable, these guys don’t get paid to ponder the meaning of life or obscure German philosophy. They get paid to beat the shit out of each other for our sheer enjoyment.

3. Riggs & Murtaugh
The name’s Leo Gets, ‘cause whatever you want Leo gets; get it. Ok ok ok ok so technically Joe Pesci isn’t part of the dynamic duo known as Martin “I’m nuts and hate Jews” Riggs & Roger “I’m too old for this shit” Murtaugh, but he does add to the mix. These two have been through a whole shitload. They killed Riggs girlfriend, they put a bomb on Murtaugh’s toilet turning his morning shit an extreme sport, and Jet Lee with a really shitty haircut beat the shit out of them in the last installment. Ohh and did I mention that this franchise had Gary Busey in it.
[Rudd fires at Riggs, hitting him several times. Riggs falls, writhing in pain. Arjen's gun clicks empty. Roger aims at him] Roger Murtaugh: [shouting] DROP IT, ASSHOLE! Martin Riggs: [weakly] Rog... Arjen Rudd: [holds up his wallet] Diplomatic immunity! [Roger slowly rolls his head on his neck, takes aim, and fires - his bullet goes through Rudd's wallet, and then his head] Roger Murtaugh: It's just been revoked.

2. Dutch & the Predator
If you need an explanation as to why this is awesome, just kill yourself now. Shit blew up, there was an alien with all kinds of cool firepower, and invisibility cloak built into the predator’s armor, Jessie the Body Ventura with a huge fucking gantline gun, and most importantly it stars the current governor of California. Yes even back in 1987 they knew they had something magical on their hands.
Dutch: Come on... Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!

1. Jean-Claude Van Damme & Bolo Yeung
Wether it’s Frank Dux (as in put up your dukes) Vs. Chong Li, or Chad/Alex Wagner Vs. Moon. The muscles from Brussels Vs. he biggest Asian dude I have ever seen is by far the best Action Duo to have graced the screen.
Victor: I'm Lin. You Jackson? You look like a Jackson. That must make you Frank Ducks. Frank Dux: No, it's DUX. Victor: Oh, right, like put up your dukes.

Now I know what you're all thinking. Where's the T1000 and John Connor? Wheres Daniel San and Mr. Miyagi? Where's Derk Diggler and Reed Rothchild...Turbo and Ozone...The double dragons, Billy Lee and Jimmy Lee...Bert and Earnie. There just wasn't enough room. I mean did you see the picture of Van Damme with his nose bleeding and going ape shit after Bolo through sand in his eyes. I thought so....

Top 5 Wrestling Tag Teams

It’s no surprise that the best things in life come in pairs. For the ladies we have a huge set of balls. For the gents, ladies have chesticles. And for the readers you now have Two Geeks One Blog. Today we have the Top 5 Wrestling Tag teams Of All Time, and the Top 5 Action Duo’s of all time.

5. Degeneration X
This picture says it all. Well kick your ass then partake in the manly sport of croquet. It doesn’t get any better than this folks…ohh wait yes it does. This is just the beginning of the shittastic tag team combos the WWF offered us in the 90’s, and somehow we ate it up and asked for more. Almost like the real two girls one cup.

4. The Dudley Boyz
That look on Buh-Buh-Ray’s face says it all. Look at the dedication and insanity in his eyes. He’ll tear you the fuck apart… or he’s just constipated. I heard if you push you get hemorrhoids, I guess maybe that’s why Buh-Buh-Ray’s angry all the time. After their wresting career took a nose dive they started a Hall and Oates tribute band, so look out for tour dates.



3. Mega Maniacs
Two of the best wrestlers to ever grace the manliest soap opera of all time. Hulk “brother” Hogan and Randy “SlimJim” Savage. These two inspired me to take my vitamins while eating a beef log that looked like it was rubbed with Vaseline. Such a good example for the kids.

2. Supply and Demand
Ohh yes my friends. We have The Godfather and Val Venus. The duo known loosely as Supply and Demand. While Val Venus was obviously gay, the Godfather compensated with the “Ho Train”. An accomplished Pimp, the Godfather left wrestling to peruse “Business Ventures in Oakland” and is it me or does The Godfather look a lot like Sir Mix-a-lot? Either way, Young children had a new hero and role model in the Godfather, filling the void the Hulkster left us. Cause if you ask any 4 year old what they wanna be when they grow up they’ll tell you “Pimp! Bioch!” So start slappin some hoe’s and making that paypa cause “Time is for the money, and gold is for the honeys!"1. Too Cool
And finally our number one spot belongs to Scotty 2 Hotty and Grand Masta Sexay. Before K-Fed, the world of wiggers had the glorious duo of Too Sexy. Not much more needs to be said, this picture is indeed worth a thousand words.

We encourage you all to let us know what your favorite Wrestling tag teams are, and remember these fabulous words to live by: “Pimps up, Hoes Down!”