Top 5 Mustaches

Self expression comes in many forms, for most it could be an ironic tee shirt or maybe even a blog (Shittier than this one of course). But nothing says more about a man than his facial hair. Some dudes go with the full beard in hopes that it will make them look manlier. Their logic being; since I can grow hair on my face like those Mexican werewolf brothers, chicks will indeed dig me. But in reality unless you’re a lumberjack or just sporting a shadow your face looks, feels, and smells like a porn star from the 70’s vagina *Cough*…Eric…*Cough*. However one form of facial hair (considered by most as a fad) is the ultimate expression of your manliness. And what that might be you ask, why it’s the glorious mustache. And not just any old mustache but a mustache worth of James Heatfield, and Ron Burgandy. I now present the Top 5 Mustaches.

5. The Hitler.
World domination and racial purification are big goals for even the manliest of men, but Hitler, he seemed like the kinda kid that would rather play with an easy bake oven or bedazzle his army uniform, than play with G.I Joes. So it’s no surprise this sociopath narcissist grew what most women have on their vagina on his face. Yes Hitler grew a landing strip, or a soul patch on the wrong side of his lips. But I guess when world domination is your goal having a landing strip for penises on your lip is perfectly acceptable, at least that’s what Sadam said.

4. The French/ The Beatnik
Acclaimed film director John Waters is known for his offbeat teenage musicals, his counter culture commentary, and his stache. Sure the caterpillar above his lip looks like dirt but it also says “I’m smarter than you and as required by law I’m supposed to look like a douche.” His rivals for the French are none other than Freddy Mercury and Borat. Now although Mercury and Borat don’t have it as pencil thin, with a little general grooming they could be giving Waters a run for his money. And as we all know Mercury was the lead singer for Queen, and an actual queen himself, no pun intended. If the stache and leotard didn’t give it away, his perm did (which is only runner up to James Brown and Al Sharpton). And well Borat is just foreign. All we need is Rob Halford’s (Judas Priest) handlebar and maybe we could have ourselves a little party. And if Hitler were invited then maybe we could have avoided that whole WWII thing.

3. The Dick
The Beastie Boys represented law enforcement everywhere when they had Spike Jonez direct their video for sabotage. The Beasties sported toupees, clip on ties, Ray Bans, and the stache. In doing so they paid homage to the biggest group of mustache aficionados. Detectives and their staches go together like their coffee and doughnuts. So next time your dog runs away or someone steals your purse just call Ad-Rock, MCA, And Me Mike D.

2. The Mexican Matador
Vicente Fernandez’s mustache has made more drunken men cry and gotten more women (In black bras and white tank tops) naked, than any other in mustache history. This Mexican crooner holds it down. If you don’t believe me just ask my pal Morrissey.
Moz: Vicente Fernandez is awesome.
So get yourself a gold revolver and a gold belt buckle with some scorpions on it and start claiming the set.

1. The Burt.
Come on! It’s Burt Mother Fucking Reynolds! This guy has gotten so much pussy I’m surprised his dick hasn’t fallen off. The amount of action this dude gets based solely on his body hair gives Armenian guys everywhere (mostly in Glendale though) hope. Live the dream Burt…Live the Dream.

Those are the Top 5 staches. Once again some honorable mentions would have been the dude/chick from La Trigre, Genghis Kahn, and the cast of Tombstone. All of whom are bad ass in their own right (I seriously thought the chick from La Tigre was a dude, so that’s pretty sweet for a chick trying to be a dude?). Unfortunately though these dudes are known more for cutting a bloody path through Asia Minor and lines like “I’m your Huckleberry.” than their sweet staches. So if you have a manly stache send me a picture and I’ll put it up…and not just in Dominick’s bathroom this time (he has a thing about things looking at him while he shits).